14 August, 2020

I felt emptiness in my mind. I don't know the reason, maybe there are some unpleasant feelings pressed by my consciousness in my mind.

I have a man-who I believe as my lover, in fact- keeping the relationship with each other more than two months. Surprisingly, this is an incredible achievement in my whole life. Since now, I dated with some guys, but not keeping the relationship; I think there are a few reasons why I can't be a lover of someone. Firstly, I live with my parents.-My bfs always asked me to live together or at least, sleep in his bed. What's worse, I have a curfew. Second, I sometimes do weird things. But every guy I met before keep complainting about how my body shape is beautiful. I thought that that would be really helpful. but I met a bunch of guys saying that you are pretty then never contact me again. In short, meeting with a guy more than 2 months is kinda momentum in my whole life. I saw the Tinder on his wallpaper, but maybe I should forget about that for my entire happiness.

I went to one of the best universities in our country. I got a task which is related to my career. I have some friends who are truly care about me. But, why I still feel ANXIETY?

Anyway, judging by this whole situations, I'm more stable than before. I know that my life is getting better as time goes by. Nevertheless, I have suffered from anxiety pressing me a lot.

I talked with a Russian guy who is 19-year-old model. I know that he is the one I eagered to be engaged. lol. Here is the strangest point. The more I tried to meet a real cool guy, the more I feel embarassed about myself. I feel that there is no reason for him to meet me. I'm not that kinda pretty or rich. And, I'm not a White. I dunno.

Why men love to have sex without any love. Sex is not a making love anymore. I know that guys don't love me. But they act as if they love me, they care about me when we mix our bodies. I think sex is not a big deal as time goes by. Sadly, that's the way I can get an attention. I just wanna be loved. I just don't wanna be alone again. Even though a guy thought me as a sex partner, I sincerely love him. What's wrong with me.